Monday, Aug. 17, 2009 - 01:37
Before i go private, i want to write about something to let someone know. You're one of the reasons i'm going private too. My decision to do what i want, for my passion, should be my freedom. Whatever hardships, problems and shit i've been through, i'm responsible for it. I never drag you in into whatever i'm experiencing. I pump my own petrol to transport the instruments. I do this, for music, for what i like. Do you have a problem with that? I never asked for your help so i don't think you got a right to say me. Have you ever came for my performance, or even so, willingly? As much as this aside, i think you should reflect on yourself instead. Have you ever treated us as your priority? You've changed, and this hurts us. Sometimes i keep quiet, because i know you no longer will side us. The biggest problem will be, after reading this, you think you still are right.

Wednesday, Aug. 12, 2009 - 19:37
Going private. For awhile at least.

Friday, Aug. 07, 2009 - 02:40
I've been wanting to update my Shanghai trip especially, before i forget. I feel like i already came back for weeks, and did so many things already. I have not been sleeping well and definitely not eating well. That's a big issue for Elvia. I'm feeling quite shagged these days, but i really wanna update something after today's practice. More than anything else.

After today's practice, i've this indescribable feeling inside. I applaud him for helping us practise, going through the small little basics that we ought to already know. I applaud him for being so patient despite our standard. He hardly showed out any sense of disgust or whatsoever. Even if he did, i won't blame him. I applaud him for taking time down to come for more practices. I applaud him for coming down even if it was just for 1hour plus. Maybe it's cos i learnt music in an environment which can never tolerate any error or any other nonsense. We'd already be shouted till we cry like babies, pull our ears and elbows straight, knuckles hit with wooden ruler, hand and any part in pain and the list goes on. That was how we got our training but today, i see a total different situation. We may not want to be scolded, but to be able to be serious is very crucial. As a President, i feel helpless at times. I can't play the drums perfectly definitely, and i can't help the rest of my members too. I can only see my conductor trying hard to help the orchestra. Even if i can, i hope they allow me to help them. I think i can go on and on about this. I really don't want to hear any bad news anymore. Every moment, i fear the news. Just like my other members. I hear them feeling this similar way. As though he's our 'motivation/drive' to push this CO further than where we are now. It sounds funny but thats how things are actually 'operating'. During the phonecall just now, my heart nearly stopped. This practice touched me deeply somehow, or whatever is the word i'm feeling. Since it's indescribable. I hope we can maintain status quo. All i can say is that, we are blessed with a wonderful conductor and i hope we can continue to have this honour. I salute you, Master Hulk.

My responsibility.


The 眼神.

Saturday, Aug. 01, 2009 - 14:31
I'm back after two weeks in Shanghai.

Feels that i'm being thrown back to reality. Can't stop feeling troubled and worried for SMUCO. And unfortunately, i did break down after reading the email at 3am the day i landed. I managed to sleep at 5am, after countless times of opening my eyes to stop what i'm thinking. Cos everytime i closed my eyes, the problems surfaced in my mind, so clearly. The news that i'd least wanna hear came to my knowledge. As much as i felt that it'll happen someday with all the rubbish we faced. I never felt this lost and troubled altogether, simultaneouly. Of which all this started with my own decision of starting this up.

As we progressed little steps by steps, the responsibility gets heavier and the problems get more than difficult to solve. And everything feels unstoppable.

Yes, i came back from my trip with a lot more to face and handle. But this whirlpool of emotions i'm facing can be too much to handle for me, this incompetent, useless, helpless and not good enough President. But since when the President can fall?

Can i have a break of all this? If not, i surrender.

Even all this happened, i've had very full fulfilling days these days. Keeping me very occupied and away from what i've to face eventually.(in a good way) But, i'll spend some entries updating the YMCA performance, Jurong swimming trip and of course, Shanghai trip. Stay tuned.

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